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Holding Grief During the Holidays

By  Kelli Dunlap, PsyD · November 20th, 2023 · Expert Content, Support

The holiday season can be an especially hard time of year for those in grief. Grief already makes you feel like you’re standing still while the rest of the world carries on. This can be a crushingly isolating and lonely experience, especially when the world is telling you to, “Be Merry and Bright.”  

For Those In Grief

For those of you who currently struggle with grief, you might feel the urge to accommodate others and do things you don’t want to do because they’re what one is “supposed” to do. In that, we have a few tips.

“No,” is a full sentence which you’re allowed to use. 

While this applies throughout the entire year, the answer, “No,” is especially relevant during the holiday season, and you’re allowed to say it. If you’re extended an invitation to a holiday gathering or other event and you don’t feel up for it, “no” is a complete sentence. Even if you previously said yes, you can always change your mind and decline without giving an explanation or excuse. As difficult as this might say, you’re already doing enough! It is not your job to manage the feelings of others while you are barely surviving your own. 

Example:

Declining a holiday invitation:

Friend: “Hey, you coming to my holiday party?”

You: “I appreciate the invite, but it’s not for me right now.” 

Friend: “Oh come on, it’ll be good for you.” 

You: “No, thank you.” 

Declining a holiday invitation:

Friend: “Hey, you coming to my holiday party?”

You: “Thanks for reaching out, but I don’t have the spoons for this.” 

Friend: “Are you sure? It might help you feel better…” 

You: “I’m just not up for parties right now, but I do appreciate you checking in and I would be down for just hanging out in Discord some time.”

You can leave anytime

If you find yourself at a holiday event, whether it’s a party at someone’s home or an ice sculpture carving at the park, remember you can leave anytime. We’re often told leaving before a certain time, like before a meal is served or gifts opened, is socially unacceptable or rude. You can chuck this social expectation out a window. 

In grief, we often don’t know if something will be overwhelming until we experience it. This kind of trial and error is often how we test the waters of what we can handle and what we can’t. And because it isn’t complicated enough, these tender spaces change in shape, size, and sensitivity based on things outside our control, like time of year, nearness of the loss, or proximity to things that remind us of the person we lost. So yeah, go to that ice sculpture exhibition but always know you can NOPE out at any time with the gentle understanding that you’re finding your way. 

If leaving on your own feels like it’s too much, recruit a trusted person to be your accomplice. Make a plan to have them check in on you after 15 minutes, either in person or over the phone. Maybe have someone “on-call” during that time who agrees to come pick you up or stay with you on the phone while you hide in the bathroom. 

You don’t have to celebrate, but it’s ok if you do

Everyone experiences and expresses grief differently. For some, continuing holiday traditions is a way of honoring or staying in connection with the person they lost. For others, trying to uphold holiday traditions is simply too painful or overwhelming. Whatever you choose – and you do have a choice – it’s going to be different from what someone else might do. Feel out what feels right for you, or at least, the things that don’t actively make you feel worse. 

If there’s something you want but don’t feel capable of doing yourself, take people up on their offers “if there’s anything I can do.” Our support networks want to help, but often those of us in grief can’t string a sentence together, much less figure out what we need and how to ask for it. On those occasions where you do know what you want (or what you don’t want), call in the reinforcements. For example, if having a Christmas tree is important to you but the idea of bringing one home and decorating it seems too much, call up a friend who can either physically help you or even just be on the phone while you decorate. 

For Those Supporting Someone in Grief

Supporting someone who’s grieving can be a confusing experience, especially if they’re reacting differently than you expect or maybe have acted in your own grief. It can be a helpless experience wanting to comfort someone you care about but not knowing what to do. We have a few tips for you as well.  

Keep inviting them

Unless they say otherwise, continue to invite the grieving person to activities and events. We often worry that inviting someone in grief to a holiday party or event may make them feel worse and so we err on the side of not inviting them. However, grief is a lonely experience and being excluded from invitations, especially ones that would have been extended before the loss, is another source of isolation – another loss. While the person grieving may decline the offers, the offer itself can be a source of connection. 

On the note of invitations, large social gatherings are often overwhelming for people experiencing grief. During the holiday season, consider reaching out and inviting the person to smaller or one-on-one get togethers if they don’t feel up to larger gatherings. This could be meeting up for coffee, going for a walk, or hanging out in a Discord chat room for some co-work or shared-space time. 

Example:

Extending an invitation

You: “There’s a holiday party happening and I’d love for you to be there. I also understand if that’s too much, and would love to just grab coffee with you.” 

Accept ‘No’ as an answer

Even with good intentions, pressuring someone to do something they’ve already said no to is not helpful. Phrases like “it’ll be good for you” or “you need to get out of the house” or “they would want you to be happy” are inappropriate, invalidating, and alienating. Phrases like these frequently speak more to what you need of them than what they need.  

TL;DR

Grief hurts all year round, but the holidays can intensify painful feelings. If you are grieving this holiday, be gentle with yourself. You are your first priority. If you know someone with grief on their heart this holiday, remember it is not their job to manage your feelings. They do not need to be holly or jolly, though it’s ok if they are. They do not need to attend your events, though it’s good of you to send the invitation. We’re all getting through this the best we can.


This article is not a substitute for medical advice or professional counseling. While we at Take This want to provide you with resources, we do not recommend or endorse any particular site, treatment, therapy, or resource. We provide these links at our sole discretion but have not necessarily vetted or reviewed any particular resource. We assume no liability for the use of the information or resources on these sites and encourage you to use your own best judgment when reviewing these resources.

If you live in the US and you’re having suicidal thoughts, reach out to the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or call/text 988. If you’re outside the US, you can find local crisis lines at Suicide.org. If you’re even debating whether you should call them, you should call them. The Suicide & Crisis Lifeline handles all psychological crises, not just suicide.


View related posts: 12 Days of Self Care, grief
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